50 Car Pile-Up Results In New City Sculpture
9 Out Of 10 Animals Prefer Cranberry Jelly Over Preserves
After 36 Years Of Marriage, Man Discovers Wife Is Actually A Rare Yucca Plant
All Raccoons Cheat At Poker, Animal Researchers Say
Ancient Meteorite Revealed To Be Burnt Burger
Ball Lightning Destroys Toupee But Polishes Victim's Car
Bark Art Exhibition By Bark Simson
Big Game Bistro Opens Amid Animal Rights Protests
Black And White Ball Disrupted By Bank Robbery
Black And White Ball Preparations Underway
Black And White Ball Raises Money For Charity
Bongos Making Big Comeback Among Unemployed Steelworkers
Bookstore Gets New Copies Of SimUlations: A Love Story
Boy Saves Cat From Tree, Thousands Cheer
Bread Baking Books Beat Bean Broiling
Broccoli Discovered To Be Colonies Of Tiny Aliens With Murder On Their Minds
Broccoli Found To Cause Grumpiness In Children
Broccoli Pops Cereal Not As Popular As Presumed
Broccoli Tops For Moms, Last For Kids; Dads Indifferent
Building Turned Into Aviary After Birds Stick To New Paint
Bus Misses Turn, Dozens Late For Work
Cab Fares In [city] To Increase; Animals Brace For Worst
Cable Disruption Blamed For Rising Birthrates
Cat Burglar Spotted, Mistaken For Dalmatian
Cat Hijacks Municipal Bus; Riders Applaud Good Timing At Stops And Courteous Meows
Cats Demand Longer Breaks, Cleaner Litter, Slower Mice
Cauliflower-Lovers Won't Let Broccoli-Eaters March In Their Neighborhood
Chefs Find Broccoli Effective Tool For Cutting Cheese
Citywide Blood Drive Highlights SimHealth Week
[city] Baker Wins Pickled Crumpet Toss Three Years Running
[city] Baton Twirlers To Lead Local Parade
[city] Makes Top 10 List
[outlet]: Important Things You Need To Know, More Or Less
[outlet]: A Quiet Voice Of Reason In A Noisy World
[outlet]: Accept No Substitutes
[outlet]: Don't Blame Us If You're Not Paying Attention
[outlet]: Don't Blame Us, We Just Report It
[outlet]: Easier To Find Because It Moves
[outlet]: For When You Have To Know But Would Rather Not
[outlet]: If It's Important To You, It Probably Is To Us Too
[outlet]: If You Read It Here, That Means It Happened
[outlet]: Information At A Readable Speed
[outlet]: Information That's A Luxury, Not A Necessity
[outlet]: Information With As Few Words As Possible
[outlet]: Journalistic Integrity Without All The Advertising
[outlet]: Just One Piece Of Information After Another
[outlet]: Left To Right Through Aesthetic Design
[outlet]: No Advertisements Since Before The Beginning
[outlet]: Not For The Faint Of Heart
[outlet]: Not Too Fast, Not Too Slow, Just Right
[outlet]: Pretty Darn Accurate Most Of The Time
[outlet]: Properly Spelled Words From Beginning To End
[outlet]: Sometimes We're Just Here To Make You Smile
[outlet]: Where We Report On Busses, Not Buses
[outlet]: Your Total Information Source
[city] Racewalkers Win All-City Title
[city] Society Gather To Honor Visiting Potentate, Exchange Kitties
[city] Tourist Bureau Launches City Beautification Project
[city] Phonebooks Print All Wrong Numbers; Results In 15 New Marriages
Consider A Career In Garbage Collection
Crime Lord Spotted In [city]; Mayor Says \"No Comment\"
Cross-Eyed Python Found To Be Running Successful Chain Of All-Night Laundromats
Cure For Senility Found, But Lost Before Being Recorded.
Daily Special At Restaurant Found To Be Big Fat Lie
Ditzy Debutante Mistakes Broccoli Floret For Nosegay
Don't Forget To Pick Up Your Litter
Doughnuts: Is There Anything They Can't Do?
Eagerly Awaited Llama Exhibition Coming Soon
Eckelberry Marmalade May Cure Hiccups, Doctors Say
Esoteric Verbosity Culminates In Communicative Ennui, Teachers Note
Experts Advise Using Sunblock As Sunny Weather Continues
Eyes Move While Reading Tickers, Scientists Speculate
Famed Prognosticator Warns \"Disaster Awaits Us All\"
Floor Sweepings Found To Be Tangier Than Salt And Pepper
For More Information, Send 9 Million Simoleons To The \"Broccoli Education Foundation\"
Foreign Potentate Becomes Lost In [city] [mayor], Refuses To Ask For Directions
Former High School Principal Caught Licking Stamps Behind Post Office Counter
Four In Five [city] [mayor] Children Won't Eat Mono-Colored Cereals
French Kissing Leads To Higher Croissant Use, Authorities Warn
Fresh Fruit In Season Is Berry, Berry Good
Giant Hairball Has Perfect Grammar, Linguists Say
Girl Rides Bicycle Across City Phone Wires; Arrested For Eavesdropping
Gravy Tastes Better When Loudly Slurped; Scientists Baffled
Gymnastics Program Growing By Leaps And Bounds
Ham-Handedness Doesn't Lead To Higher Cholesterol, Researchers Declare
\"Hang Up And Drive\" Say Citizens Against Cell Phones
Heads Roll When Rollerblader Hits Tourist Group
Here Comes The Sun
House Made Entirely Of Broccoli Built In [city] [mayor]; Furniture Made Of Wheat Germ
Humming Show Tunes Sure Sign Of Poor Motor Skills, Researchers Declare
I Was Framed, Jokes Local Artist
\"I'm Just A [species], [species], Simple Guy\" Rises To Top Of Charts
If Tin Whistles Are Made Of Tin, What Do They Make Foghorns Out Of?
Information Shown Here Frequently Absurd, Poll Indicates
Lady's Knitting Circle Raises Cash For Homeless
Linguistics Experts Discuss \"Left To Right Or Right To Left; Is One Better?\"
Local Cop Found To Be Ticketing Only Lantern-Jawed Males
Local Kindergartners Prefer Oi Brand Paste; Claim It Just Tastes Better
Local Mustard Magnate Marries Daughter Of Dill Pickle Mogul
Local Politicians Take Both Sides Of Issues, Little Accomplished
Local Scientists Conclude: Kitties Like Fish, Dogs Less Picky
Local [species] Bill Flopsby Heads County Commission On Snuggles And Hugs
Local [species] Discovers Just Who Wrote Book Of Love
Local [species] Mentioned In Out Of Town Newspaper; Starts Scrapbook
Lou Turns Away Every Person Who Skips To Her; \"They Have No Rhythm,\" She Says
Lunar Eclipse Obscured By Clouds
Lying Found To Be Effective Calorie Reducer
Man Caught Shoplifting Spatulas; Thousands Of Flippers Found In Bedroom
Man Discovers Neighbor Completely Enclosed In Mailbox; Returns Him For Postage
Man Survives Wintry Night Adhered To Bus Bench By Chewing Gum
Marathon! Animals Hit The Ground Running
Mediums Agree Blue-Striped Socks No More Lucky Than Clovers Or Pennies
Middle Age A Hoax, Declares Study; Turns Out To Be Bad Posture After All
Miracle Lint Remover Based On Broccoli Juice Sweeps Market
Molasses Truck Springs Leak; Sweetest Accident In Long Time
Most Animals Ignore Tickers, Study Reveals
Mrs. SimLeary Gets Prize Cow
Mysterious Loud Rumbling Noises In [city] name Found To Be Mysterious Loud Rumblings
Never Feed Broccoli To Your Dog, No Matter How Much He Begs
Newspaper Boy Crime Ring Cracked: Read All Over
Nutritionists Aver That Eating Broccoli Encourages Higher Bowling Scores
Oliver \"Slim Jim\" Golonsky Wins [city] Inter-Location Obstacle Race
Ordinary Days In [city] Become Common
Original Magna Carta Found Written On Large Broccoli Stalk
Pigeon Alert! Extreme Pigeon Danger!
Pistol Packing Punks Pilfer Precious Petunias
Pot-Bellied Pigs Named Bob Convention Highlight Of Season
Psychic K.C. Edgars Predicts City To Grow
Public Displays Of Affection Common Sight Near City Hall
Public Service Message: Pooper Scoopers Urged When Walking Dogs
Rap Music Causes Hangnails, Study Shows.
Regional Catsup King Cousin To Tie Knot With Toothpick Tycoon
Rock Star Spotted In Llama Fur Near Casa Del Sticky
Rockin' Good Thrash Metal Found To Reverse Aging Process
School Field Trip To Museum Sparks Interest In Local History
Scientists Assert That Swearing Is Source Of Bad Breath
Semicolon Declared Sexier Than Comma At Grammarian's Fete
Shopping After Hours Source Of Purchase Embarrassment Says Survey
[species] Offers To Let City Bus Run Him Over For Lifetime Salad Bar Privileges
[species] Scientist Discovers Gravity While Falling Down Stairs
SimFirefighters Wanted: Apply At Your Local Fire Station
Nethington Report: Criminals Demand Cell Phones
Nethington To Host Energy Symposium
Police Officers Wanted: Apply At Your Local Police Precinct
Scientist Discovers Abacus Can Be Used To Dry Towels
Scientist Discovers New Dry Cleaning Method Using Sparklers
Survey Reports Rise in Vegetarian Animals
Survey: \"Cheese Louise\" Voted Best Pizza Restaurant In [city] [mayor]
Survey: 3 Out Of 5 Animals Loathe Modern Art
Survey: 4 Out Of 5 Animals Prefer Hard Cheese To Brie
Survey: 4 Out Of 5 Animals Surveyed Find Surveys Satisfactory
Survey: 50% Of Animals Say YES
Survey: 80% Of Animals Hang Up On Telephone Solicitors
Survey: 80% Of Animals Love Clog-Dancing
Survey: Animals Sleep Seven Hours
Animals Everywhere Agree: A Sound Financial Future Begins With Inheriting Lots Of Money
Animals Everywhere Agree: All Sales Are Final
Animals Everywhere Agree: Brush Before, After, And Between Meals
Animals Everywhere Agree: For The Best In News Ticker Entertainment, The Picayune Can't Be Beat
Animals Everywhere Agree: Frequent Saving Prevents File Loss
Animals Everywhere Agree: Good Grooming Is Essential To Success
Animals Everywhere Agree: History Laughs At Many People Who Deserved To Be Laughed At
Animals Everywhere Agree: If You Throw A Stone, It Will Hit Something
Animals Everywhere Agree: It's Not What You Make, It's What You Keep
Animals Everywhere Agree: Past Performance Does Not Guarantee Future Returns
Animals Everywhere Agree: Purring Kitties Are Happy Kitties
Animals Everywhere Agree: The Egg Came First, But Only After The Chicken
Animals Everywhere Agree: Vote Early, Vote Often
Animals Everywhere Agree: Your Actual Costs May Vary
Animals Flock To Grand Opening Of Betty's Bird Boutique
Animals Report Widespread SimAnt Problem
Skirmish At Writer's Workshop, Speaker Used Fighting Words
Some Destruction, But Not Too Much, In Practical Joke Derby
Spotted Owl Spotted
Stand Up And Cheer If You Like SimCity
Staring At Football-Shaped Bladders Good For Concentration, Researchers Proclaim
Staring At Lapping Ocean Waves Makes You More Assertive During Lunch
State Governor Found To Be Mule; \"His Clothes Always Fit Funny,\" Says Aide
Studies Show Most Animals Mispronounce \"Zsdersw\"
Study Demonstrates That Singing In The Shower Makes Teeth Crooked
Survey Shows Less Is More, More Or Less
Swamp Gas Verified To Be Exhalations Of Stars--Movie Stars--Long Passed
Tainted Broccoli Weapon Of Choice For Global Assassins
Talking Broccoli Hosts Talk Show; Guests A \"Bunch Of Vegetables\"
Tapped Out: Local Brewery Closes Its Doors.
Ten Teachers With Cardiac Arrest After Students Declare Love Of Beowulf
This Space For Rent
Timmy Falls Down Well, Climbing Needs Work
Tip Of The Day Provides Interesting Tidbits, Mayors Agree
Today's Forecast: Cold, Cloudy, With Occasional Showers
Today's Forecast: Sunny, High 70's, Winds From The East
Today's Forecast: Windy And Cooler Than Yesterday
Traveling Truck Technician Talks Transmissions Tuesday
Tree Stuck In Cat; Firefighters Baffled
Truckload Of Apples Overturns, [city] Diner Offers Applesauce Special
Typist Involved In Winter Traffic Accident, White-Out Conditions Blamed
UFO Seen And Disavowed
Unsalted Tortilla Chips Best Cure For Colds Says Health Nut
\"Weasels Are Warm And Wonderful\" Day At [city] Mall
Weasel Rejected As [city]'s Crime-Fighting Mascot
Weather Likely To Become Different Before Changing


From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: A Person Who Likes Cats Can't Be All Bad
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Better To Aim High And Miss Then To Aim Low And Hit
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Check Your Facts Before Making A Fool Of Yourself
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Help Is The Sunny Side Of Control
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: If You Made The Mess, You Clean It Up
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It Is Easier To Get Forgiveness Than Permission
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Better To Yield Right Of Way Than To Demand It
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Hard To Have Too Much Shelf Space
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Lightning Often Strikes The Same Place More Than Once
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Ticker Is Mispelled
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Ticker Is Sdrawkcab (Backwards)
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Ticker Is Wrong
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Reading Improves The Mind And Lifts The Spirit
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: The Insides Of Golf Balls Are Mostly Rubber Bands
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Two Points Determine A Straight Line
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Wine And Friendships Get Better With Age
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Can't Outwait A Bureaucracy
From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Don't Have To Fool All The People, Just The Right Ones


Rumor Of Kitty Kibble Shortage Causes Futures To Drop; Consumers Stockpile
Local Merchants Puzzled By Rumors Of Kitty Kibble Shortage; \"We Have Plenty,\" Say Most
Kitties Concerned By Rumors Of Kitty Kibble Shortage; Owners In Panic
No Kitty Kibble Shortage Says Local Representative Of Kitty Kibble Association
Is Kitty Kibble Shortage Real? Authorities Say Rumors Unfounded
Unlicensed Kitty Kibble Factory Fuels Rumors Of Shortage
Enough Kitty Kibble For Twenty Years, Experts Agree
Kitty Kibble Association Flooded With Letters: Where Is Kitty Kibble?
Is Kitty Kibble Shortage A Hoax? Animals Search For Truth
Rumors Persist In Kitty Kibble Shortage; Unfounded Say Many
Kitties Want Answers In Possible Kitty Kibble Shortage
Kitties Say Not Enough Being Done In Kitty Kibble Shortage
No Kitty Kibble Shortage, Officials Insist; Kitties Skeptical


Tommy B. Saif Sez: Accept No Substitutes, And Don't Be Fooled By Imitations
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Always Mix Thoroughly When So Instructed
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Change Not Given Without Purchase
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty Of Law
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Eating And Drinking On Station Platforms Is Prohibited
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Hold On; Sudden Stops Sometimes Necessary
Tommy B. Saif Sez: If You Break It, You Buy It
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Keep Fingers Away From Moving Panels
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Look Both Ways Before Crossing The Street
Tommy B. Saif Sez: No Left Turn, Except Buses
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Reservations Must Be Cancelled 48 Hours Prior To Event To Obtain Refund
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Return Seats And Trays To Their Proper Upright Position
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Stay Within The Crosswalk
Tommy B. Saif Sez: Try To Keep Six Month's Expenses In Reserve